Around these parts, people get into romantic relationships with each other. And, with almost the exact same frequency, people sever those romantic relationships. Maybe right now the number of romantic relationships that ever existed is a bit higher than the number of romantic relationships that have ended, but believe me, the latter is never far behind the former. The two most popular ways of relationship severing are death and breaking up. Now, we all can’t be so lucky that every one of our relationships ends in the death of one or both of its participants, so we have to be prepared for the very real possibility of breaking up. And just as, though you’d sooner go on living forever, you’d rather have an awesome death than a lame one, you should also strive to make breaking up as amazing of experience as possible. That way, when the two of you have achieved enough emotional distance from the relationship to think straight, you can both appreciate what cool people you are for ending your relationship is such a fashion.

Disclaimer: If you are currently in a romantic relationship and you are interested in maintaining it, I’d advise against you reading on in this article. It contains several great ways to break up, and chances are that after reading them you will want to try them with the first eligible person, which in this case would be your significant other. I take no responsibility for any fulfilling relationships ended because you didn’t heed my warning. Also, it would be much cooler if you waited until Valentine's Day to use these.

The following is a guide containing suggestions and guidelines for achieving the break up you always wanted since you learned the inevitability of the non-fatal termination of your relationship. The title of the guide is:

Breaking Up is Awesome to Do

Fig. 1

Refer to Fig. 1: One good way of breaking up with your soon to be ex is to show her this figure. It is hard to see how the independent, and soon to be more independent, variable, you, and the dependent variable, your significant other, correlate. In fact, as you can see from the r value, there is no relationship. In general, puns are a good way to break up with someone, and statistics themed puns are even better.

Any good way to ask someone to marry you is an excellent way to tell that someone it’s over: You are your sweetie are at the game cheering for your favorite team. “Honey, look at the screen,” you say, pointing to the massive television screen serving the entire stadium. “It’s over, [Their name here],” it could say. Sweet. You could also have a series of romantic clues where each one leads to the next clue. The final clue would lead to a note or perhaps a video recording that tells the clue follower that it’s just not working out between the two of you. If you are going to do it in a romantic restaurant, make sure it happens before the bill comes, so you can ask for separate checks.

Don’t be afraid of clichéd material: Sure, “I think we should see other people,” is used way too often, but if you are breaking up with a blind person you have an obligation to use it. Not only is it hilarious, but the person will be so distracted by how insensitive you are that the time spent depressed over the break up will be greatly decreased. Everyone wins!

A valedictorian speech is a very good time to break up: Every day, I think of new ways in which my life would have been better had someone broken up with me during a valedictorian speech. But I don’t plan on dating any valedictorians any time soon, so I guess now all I can hope for now is to date some politician or Nobel Prize candidate so I could be dumped during an acceptance speech or something.

No matter what the method of breaking up, as long as it is really amazing, word of how cool you are will spread like wild fire, making everyone want to date you on account of your coolness, which will give you more people with which to orchestrate awesome break ups, which will once again add to your desirability. It’s a positive feedback loop with positive consequences. I’ll leave you with this exchange, which if you pull off at least once in your life, something went right:

You: Do you have any [Your favorite ethnicity] in you?
Someone else: No.
You: Well, it’s not really working out. We can still be friends, though. Also, it’s not you, it’s me.

I’ll send you back to the essence.