Dear Catholic Church,

I understand you’ve been losing momentum lately and are trying to figure out why. I’ve heard a number of compelling but very wrong explanations of why you are losing momentum, and I am writing this letter to set the matter straight. The problem isn’t any perverse and publicized behavior of some of your priests. The problem isn’t a growing weariness with organized religion in general, and the problem isn't even the growing disconnect between science and religion. It should be noted, though, that if you didn’t have such a disconnect, you would have noticed the problem yourself. Here's the problem with the momentum of the Catholic Church:

In fact, you need to have it constantly if you want to have momentum. Mass is a critical part of momentum, and this once a week garbage simply will not work. And speaking of work, you’ll have a lot more of it if you follow my advice. In fact, Catholic Church, you’ll have more energy, and more force too. You know, Catholic Church, you’ll even have more power, and I know how you like power. Mass is a critical part of all of those things, and it baffles me how you survived this long without it. Institute a policy of having it constantly as soon as you can, and all your problems will disappear.

Duh,