Let's face it. Most guides you can find on the internet aren't going to teach you something that you want or need to know. Nobody cool wants to balance a checkbook or tie a tie. The fact is, the internet is hopelessly out of touch with what happens on a day to day basis. Now, my website is mainly to make you, the reader, laugh, but I am in the business of doing good, too. So, without any more ado, I give you...

Step 1: Get really far away from the intended audience. You will be running rapidly towards the audience, and you don't want to pass them. This would result in a pitch change that wouldn't sound good at all.

Step 2: Plan your trip using my convenient table: Know what notes you want to sing and figure out what the corresponding velocity is. A negative velocity indicates movement towards whoever is listening.

At this point, you people not enhanced by the Speed Force probably are saying "767 miles per hour! That's ridiculous." You are whiners. That's only mach 1. My razor goes at warp 5.

Step 3: Sing your song. To you, it will sound like monotone. But to the people listening, your notes will be gloriously different. You will get all the girls and everyone will want to be your friend. All thanks to my website. I'm awesome.