Around the mid-1990s, rumors started spreading that some artist had put a phallus on King Triton’s castle on the cover of The Little Mermaid. No doubt, everyone was freaking out and stock in everything plummeted. Obviously, no one stopped to consider that it was just an accident. Less obviously, and more importantly, nobody stopped to consider that maybe King Triton deserves to have a phallus on his castle. I mean, he is the very symbol of virility. Besides the half fish thing, Triton is all man. Here I am assuming that the gestation period for merfolk is about the same as that of humans, but to have seven daughters that close in age to each other, Triton had to get around. This explains why there was no singular Queen of the Merfolk of which to speak. Every one of them got tired of being treated as an object, packed her bags and headed for what she thought was a nice coral reef to settle down in but was actually the Bermuda triangle, thanks to an elaborate ruse by Triton’s secret service. You cross the boss, you pay the cost. Anyway, this brings me to what more closely resembles my point:

Eric will sleep with the fishes, but not in the way he expects.

Man, I hate that guy. Freud must be slipping, because Eric is completely unlike Triton in every possible way. For instance, Triton is awesome, Eric is a major, major tool. Though I’ve always gone for Belle myself, the fact remains that Ariel is considered by many to be one of the hottest of the Disney heroines, and magic or no, anybody that confuses her with Ursula is pretty dumb. Shoot, I can sing that stupid song, can I seduce you too? You can’t fault everybody for everything, true. It’s not Beast’s fault he got all ugly when he turned human. It’s not Shan Yu’s fault he’s so amazingly awesome. It is Eric’s fault, however, that he is a major, major tool. In the end of the movie, he tries to make up cool points he lost for existing by impaling someone in a Disney movie, but it is too little, too late. No wonder in The Little Mermaid 2 Ariel’s daughter keeps wanting to go to the ocean. She absolutely hates her father. So do I. Melody, if your parents weren’t such wastes of life, we could have totally gone on a few dates. Unfortunately, I can’t get over how much I hate your parents, so I guess you’ll be riding the last train to Alonesville. Myself? I’m on Shag Highway, heading west.