I'm all about financial compensation. And, as it happens, diet programs like the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig and the South Beach Diet have earned for their creators a good amount of money. So, I decided to become a weight loss guru. But, unlike Dr. Atkins, Dr. Craig and Dr. South Beach, I don't plan on making a diet that sucks big time. Presenting...

Unlike most weight loss systems, the Kulkarni System doesn't revolve around some silly gimmick like not eating carbohydrates or doing cocaine. Rather, it employs a three pronged attack on your unneeded and unattractive body fat that is guaranteed to make a slimmer, healthier you. All you have to do is follow the three easy steps of the Kulkarni System and everybody hot will desire to get with your body.

Step 1: Breathing
Scientists have discovered that the air you exhale, called fat air, is much lighter than the air you inhale, called skinny air. This is because far air has a high concentration of carbon dioxide, which weighs you down. By breathing with the Kulkarni System, you replace the bad carbon dioxide with the much lighter and much more attractive oxygen. This is the first stem towards slimming down.

Step 2: Sneaking into France and alterting the mass of a kilogram
Near Paris, a small organization named the International Bureau of Weights and Measures holds a platinum-iridium bar. The mass of this bar defines the mass of a kilogram. If you sneak into the Bureau and stick something heavy to the bar, the mass of a kilogram goes up, which brings your own fatty mass down. This is the second step of the Kulkarni System towards a better you.

Step 3: The Diet of Worms
This is the most effective weight loss diet ever. The Catholic Church used it and they cut their weight by whatever Martin Luther and all his suppoters weighted. That's 300 pounds, at least! The Diet of Worms is the final step of the Kulkarni System.

By following the three steps of the Kulkarni System, you will lose weight, get abs with which you could grate cheese, and make me very rich.

I'll send you back to the essence.