Every once and again, I like to resolve debates that have been going on for centuries with minimal effort and astounding feats of brain power. Today, I decided to prove that God exists so both theists and atheists can get a better hobby than bogus arguments on the internet. I have named this proof "The New Ontological Proof of God," on account of "The Ontological Proof of God" was taken, and this one is newer, fresher, and better.

1. No mortal knows what “ontological” means.
2. Someone must know, or no one would talk about the ontological proof of God.
3. People talk about the ontological proof of God, so someone must know what “ontological” means.
4. Everything is either mortal or immortal.
5. An immortal being exists.
6. Knowing what “ontological” means has to be the last thing a being would know.
7. If a being knows what it means, that being must also know everything else.
8. The being that knows what “ontological” means is therefore immortal and omniscient.
9. This being that knows everything would know how to accomplish any possible task.
10. If a particular task was beyond that being’s abilities, given the being’s omniscience, it would know how to overcome that lack of ability.
11. The being would be omnipotent.
12. There exists an immortal, omniscient and omnipotent being.
13. An immortal, omniscient and omnipotent being is a reasonable description of God.
14. God exists.