Reading Day is less than a month away and I have never felt less prepared for it. I'm not worried about final exams, of course, because worrying about final exams is positively not my bag. What I am worried about, and what I feel totally unprepared for is the continuation of my favorite Reading Day tradition, that being dedicating the day to getting the girl of my dreams, where by girl of my dreams I mean a girl closest to my conception of an awesome lady, not the girl that I seduced while posing as a tutor only to find that I was in actuality a bear so we couldn't have a relationship. At least, not necessarily. The point is that happened in a dream of mine, and it would have been a good surprise ending to Taming of the Shrew. Anyway, my Reading Day plans are more or less non-existant, and I'd rather not do this with anything but calculated and meticulous execution.

If you are a single lady, there is a pretty big chance that you would like nothing more than being the closest to my conception of an awesome lady. If you are clever, you will try to cultivate within yourself certain traits to increase your attractiveness. I don't expect you to be too clever, however. In fact, I anticipate you making a horrible error. That error would be the selection of what traits to cultivate. My guess is you will pick traits from what I like to call the lame-o list of traits to value in a woman. This is the list:

The lame-o lists of traits to value in a woman:

Beauty
Intelligence
A similar sense of humor
Shared interests and activities
Availability
Caring and empathy

I could think of more, but it is very difficult for me to think of lame-o things. What I am good at thinking of, and what you should cultivate, are items on the second list:

The ever-growing list of traits I value in a woman above the standard lame-o traits:

Not being related to me.
High probability of responding to the “Buy me a pizza” pickup line in American Desi almost exactly the way it was responded to in the movie.
High probability of, at some point in our potential relationship, having an experience closely resembling what happens in this story.
The combination of enough wealth to allow me and my children to live comfortably for the rest of our lives, no friends or family, and a terminal illness.
Any hotness that need be expressed with more than two “t”s, such as hotttness or hottttttness.
Willingness to attempt to satiate my desire to doh-si-doh

I thought about adding “knowledge of and desire to explain what a 'date party' is" to the list, but I decided that as much as I would like to find out what a date party is, I'd rather be with a lady with caring, empathy and availability. Still, if anyone wants to explain it to me, I'd appreciate it. Do you get a date? Do you bring a date? Is it on a certain date? Do you eat dates? I'm totally confused.

Don't be too disheartened if you look at the cool list and don't have everything on it. Most people don't have any of them, except not being related to me. Do what you can, and if you try hard enough, I just might see you December 8th.