Sometimes, the truth can figuratively stare a person right in the face and still that person can deny it. That doesn’t stop the rest of us, who are more honest with ourselves, from knowing what actually is and what actually isn’t. Just as peaceniks denied the first piece of common knowledge covered in the first part of this three part series, Sanjay Presents Common Knowledge, violence is sometimes the answer, there are people that say ridiculously false statements like “It’s not a competition.” It’s really grating to hear someone say this, because it is common knowledge that:

Everything is a competition.

All cool people plan their lives with this common knowledge, so if you don’t know it, you can’t be cool. If high school taught us anything, which it did, it taught us that if you can’t be cool, you should fake it. I used to be a major lame-o, so my heart goes out to you. That’s why I’m writing the following list of ways in which cool people act with the guiding principle that everything is a competition. Emulate.

Getting perfect attendance is an excellent competition because it is an excellent opportunity for sabotage. If someone else also has perfect attendance, make sure they don’t get to class some day. Sure, you could share victory with them, but you know who else doesn’t get to be the lone champion? That’s right: Losers.

When they first invented coronary bypass surgery, everyone got a single bypass. Then, someone realized what an awesome venue for competition this procedure was, he got a double bypass. Right now, the high score is a quadruple bypass. I’m sure you can do better.

If you have a single parent that is dating someone with a child around your age, you should become romantically involved with the child and race to see who can get married first. The loser feels really weird about their relationship, which is hilarious.

If you are hanging out with some parents that had a baby within the last few decades, they might say something like “They grow up so fast.” You might not realize this, but that’s a challenge to a competition and a race. The correct response to such a challenge is to say “Well, mine grow up faster,” and then make sure they your child has a high school diploma by the time he is eight.

Speaking of parenting, if your teenage daughter is going on a date and her partner informs you that she’ll be home by some time of the day, make it earlier. Or later. It doesn’t matter as long as you win.

By the way, that last one should never happen because everyone knows that it is a competition amongst parents to see who can keep their children from dating the longest. Besides, when your son, being the gentleman, decides to pay for his and his date’s meal, he’ll be glad he can use his senior citizen discount.

Of course, that would mean your son is a loser. Who pays for a date is an awesome thing to compete over, because it allows you to employ all your powers of seduction. In our society, gentlemen have a handicap placed on them so that it is difficult to get more than fifty percent, but, let me tell you, as someone who has gotten the gold, it isn’t impossible to push the check entirely away from your corner. You have to know some really good tricks, though.

Not all of us have really good tricks, so not all of us are going to win every competition. Also, since I said ties are for losers, there is the whole logical impossibility problem. However, though winning is immensely satisfying, competing is a reward in itself. Sure, try as I might, this website doesn’t get as many hits as google. I am a better person for trying.

Sanjay Presents Common Knowledge
I’ll send you back to the essence.