So, I’ve been around for a while and while I don’t fashion myself a conman, I have deceived my fair share of people. Fact is, I’m old and I’m tired, and I don’t want to lie any more. So I’m going to tell you what I’m going to do straight up, no being economical with the truth, a phrase which I stole from a thesaurus. See? Honesty. Anyway, I’m going to talk about how great some guy is, then I’m going to turn the tables on you, the reader, and discuss what would happen were this guy in a fight with something or someone else. He's going to lose this fight pretty bad. Got it? Hang on to your hats and watch those tables turn.

Werner Heisenberg is just SOOOO great. First of all, he made the uncertainty principle, which pretty much gets physicists and chemists off the hook when it comes to locating electrons. Second of all, he published the uncertainty principle, and I guess made lots of money. Any time you fail to find the exact location and momentum of an electron Heisenberg’s estate gets a quarter of a cent. If you’ve never tried to pinpoint an electron, let me tell you, Heisenberg would be rolling in it were he alive today, where “it” refers to sweet, sweet dough.

I was going to do this without any further introduction, but I don’t have a lot of faith with some members of my audience, so I thought I might just go ahead and declare that I’m going to transition into the turntable thing. Initially, I was going to have Werner Heisenberg, who I don’t care for much at all, fight some kind of unstoppable force like a herd of extinction-proof buffalo. Then I figured that it really wouldn’t be much to describe such a pummeling. Extinction-proof buffalo are just too powerful to be a fair match-up. Similarly, I rejected contenders such as the Centurions, the Ebola virus and the total agony of being in love. You can’t beat them. Instead, I decided that a real man does his own dirty work, and so do I, so, without further ado…

Werner Heisenberg vs. Dee Amazing AKA The Counterargument AKA The Awesome O₆ AKA Sergeant Pepper AKA The Sultan of Sobriquets AKA Sanjay Richard Kulkarni

As you can see in this photograph of me, I have a hoverboard. I also have Deku pipes, but obviously, they are not pictured. But this page isn’t about how great I am, which is a lot. It’s about Werner Heisenberg and me fighting, so let’s get back to that. People betting on this match-up are liable to win a tidy profit if they pick the right figurative horse. The odds are terribly against me owing to the fact that I’m somewhat of a pacifist and Heisenberg was only a short time away from creating an atomic bomb for the Nazis. What most people don’t realize, though, is that when I say “a short time” I mean “a few bajillion years, if he was lucky.” After World War II, all the Allied scientists looked at what Heisenberg was working on and they got together to laugh in his face his reasoning was so flawed. That’s how dumb Heisenberg was. He couldn’t even figure out how to make an atomic bomb. No doubt, if he was in a fight with me, he would lose badly, then deny he was ever in a fight, then claim he deliberately lost the fight for the good of freedom and call himself a hero. Man, I hate that guy. I know everything about every electron at all times and I am certain that Heisenberg would go down like a sucker.

I’ll send Heisenberg back to the essence.